Oh hi babes! I will be your dom this evening. With your consent, of course.
Bondage, Discipline, Domination, Submission, and Masochism. If you’ve ever been consensually blindfolded or hand cuffed, Congratulations! You’ve practiced some form of BDSM. Most people have, actually because there's a huge spectrum. Anything from feather light caresses to something called Tamakeri. Tamakeri? Tamakeri. I don't know. It's a Japanese fetish for being kicked in the balls. [Gasp] It might sound scary, but BDSM is all about finding pleasure in pain. It's about intense sensations and exchanges of power for the thrill seekers. So et’s go over the basics and then we'll delve into feminist criticisms and myths about BDSM. 
In the BDSM community, a “scene” refers to the setting where it takes place, and “play” refers the acts that are involved. Now before you play: the first and foremost principle of BDSM is safe, sane, and consensual. SAFE. We don’t injure anybody. We know what the hell we’re doing, and educate ourselves so that there's no unintentional harm. That includes protecting ourselves against STIs and pregnancy.
We always stay in control, practicing good communication and judgement before, during, and after a scene. We use our power responsibly and take seriously the trust that's put in us. CONSENSUAL. BDSM requires the thorough discussion of boundaries and limits beforehand. You also need a safe word that can clearly and effectively communicate to your partner during a scene if you need them to take it easy or to stop. This is especially important if restraint or fighting back is part of your scene...so things like "Red", "Yellow", "Banana", "Pumpernickel", "Balls". No don't use balls, there's a chance that could come up. No act should ever be pressured, consent should never be assumed, and it's always just as okay to say “no” as it is to say “yes”. If at any point anyone is unsure, we stop and talk.
The “safe, sane, and consensual” principle is vital in BDSM because without it - it’s not BDSM at all! It’s just abuse. I’m looking at you, 50 Shades of Grey. So you can get the conversation flowing by asking your partner if they’ve ever heard of BDSM or what they think about it. You could use a Yes/No/Maybe chart to identify boundaries,
When it comes to play, there is an endless umbrella, but some types are more common than others. 
Now after all the sexy's gone down, you need to finish with after care. This is like after-sex cuddling, but more integral to the experience because it can be kind of intense. Check in with your partner - make sure they're feeling alright. Communicate and make sure they don't need anything. A glass of water? A blanket? Cuddles? Another round? For scenes that are especially intense, it’s a good idea to check in a few days later too to make sure nothing else came up while they were processing it.
In a world where sexual violence is too common and where victims are told that they “asked for it" - BDSM understandably raises red flags. Some schools of feminism argue that power exchanges in the bedroom reflect the gender dynamics that are out in the world. In Kathleen Barry’s book “Female Sexual Slavery” she writes that BDSM is "a disguise for the act of sexually forcing a woman against her will”. Now obviously that's true if someone is actually forced or pressured - and why it's so important to prioritize consent to make sure that it’s a freely made choice. A scene may create the illusion of force, but in reality, it’s all very controlled. It happens on your own terms in the context of trust and safety - that’s the opposite of force.
Interestingly, both men AND women actually prefer the submissive role. Now that’s not to say that gender roles NEVER influence our sexual choices or desires, of course they do! I don't think it's a coincidence that the extreme gender roles seen in Twilight and 50 Shades have taken our culture by such a storm. It’s just that there’s more to the story. Part of the appeal of BDSM is that it's taboo. And it's no secret that pain sometimes feels good because of the endorphins it releases. Runner's high? Yeah I don't buy that anyone actually likes running. Runners are little masochists out there, it's all about the pain for pleasure! I think we run into issues when we shame consenting adults for their sexuality. For ages people have regarded kinksters as deeply broken sexual deviants who need fixing, the same as they did for people who masturbated and people who are gay. Extensive studies have find that kinksters are generally mentally healthy and actually tend to have healthier sexual communication and relationships. Maybe has to do something with the emphasis on consent and communication? Just throwing ideas out there. Still, there are people who think it’s fucked up. To which I say: well okay but the thing is: we’re all a little fucked up alright? In a lot more than 50 ways. We’re all a little damaged, a little broken, a little problematic. So if this shit is not your cup of tea, rock on. Different folks, different strokes. Just go ahead and pass those cuffs to me, I promise I’ll put them to good use.
Laci Green
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